January 1825 - Paris
"Mrs B[arlow] came & sat with me about an hour till her daughter came from school - could not have a bath after 12 today, the men were to have a holiday in the afternoon - doubtful if I could have one at all, because the bazar was on fire (in fact burnt down), the flames had communicated to the Rue [de la] Michodière, & the police stopt all the men to employ them in getting the fire under [control?] - however, all this was got over & my bath was prepared (in what was Mrs Mackenzie's room), &, after waiting, ready to get into it, splashed about the water to cool it, for 7 or 8 minutes, got in & felt the heat of the water & the steam so oppressive, I could not stand it more than 35 minutes. When I jumped out in a fever, & hurried to my own room to bed - here I lay the whole day much exhausted - in a state of pretty profuse perspiration for the most part & dozing away the hours - Had my breakfast about 12 ¾ - Mrs & Miss B- sat with me about an hour - Dinner about 6 - Mrs & Miss B- came & sat with[sic] the[?] evening with me - tea a little before 9 - then went early to bed - Mrs B- sat with me till after 11 - She lay a little on the bed and then sat down on it by me - talked a little about Mariana - Mrs B did not much like my being obliged to tell her of my attachment to Mrs B, she thought it would be enough to say I wished to be free. 'Yes,' said I, 'if anything should happen to my uncle and my aunt and I should come here I must be able to decide one way or other, I could not long live like Tantalus'. Mrs B has hopes of gaining me I see since she has allowed me so much indulgence. I talk of nothing but encreased[sic] attachment and going to Italy. She had hardly left me before I incurred a cross while thinking of all the liberties she had allowed me to take - At 12 ½ at night got up for ½ hour to arrange my bed, and wash - As I had lain musing between dinner and Mrs B's coming made eight lines of poetry to writ[e] i[n] the book I had bought for Miss B. es[sic] Asked Mrs B for my pen and paper and wrote them down instantly but somehow Mrs B did not say much about it and I did not shew her what I had written - Remained in bed all the day, Mrs B- [gave] my five francs each to all the 5 servants, & 5 francs to the porter pour etrennes (or new year's gifts) which all ranks give & receive from each other here - all their friends but especially all the people you employ expect something - the bathmen would not be satisfied till they had had an etrenne, but, for aught I know, were satisfied with a franc between them - Gave Mrs Page a work box, price ten franks,[sic] the same as Mrs B gave Cordingley, to whom I gave the same sum in money - Very fine day - EO[venereal complaint symbol] Have not felt so much discharge today - Mrs B lent me a hundred franks[sic] this morning. I now owe her eleven hundred altogether - The people sit up the whole night always before new year's day, to sell things, & people go to see the bazar, palace royal, etc. at midnight - they look uncommonly well by candle-light - but thus might accidents frequently occur - Jane gave me a bead purse tonight just before she went to bed that she had made for her mother, but as I admired it she will make another for mamma" (1-Jan-1825)
"Breakfast at 10 ¼ - Mr & Miss B- came for a moment were going to Mr Way's chapel but the weather looked too uncertain - the fiacremen would grumble to go so far, & cannot now be taken a l'heureby the hour
... [impossible to make any sense of the following line] Mrs B- sat with me till after 12 - we then went down into their room (while my own was swept, after having had 2 croches of Mrs B-'s wood brought which she will insist on my helping to burn before we go), & Mrs B- & I read the prayers, & Jane the [illeg] espistle & gospel for the day which took us about ½ hour - then returned to my room, & they came for luncheon & are sitting with me till dinner - 'tis just 3 ¾, & I have just done the whole journal of yesterday & so far of today - I look pale, feel weak and languid, & not well today - Just after luncheon sent by Mrs Barlow the volume to 'Miss de Sans with Miss L's best regards' - on the fly-leaf of Campbell's poetical works wrote the following to Miss de S-
For you may Hope her pleasures e'er renew;
The poor girl has just sent up to say she would come & see me but is very unwell, & Mrs B- is gone down to her - By the way, Mrs B- has just told me that all the servants are dissatisfied at our having given them 5 francs each servant - for when Madame de B[oyve] engaged them, she said everyone in the house on new year's day would give them each 10 francs!!! Curious enough that Madame de B- should thus rate the sum each person should give but never name it to any of us - went down to Mademoiselle de S- a little after 4 & sat an hour with her (Mrs B- there) till 5:05 - she had a slight hysterical attack - but not all bad. I rubbed her stomach a little over her clothes then held my hand over the region of the womb where there was a considerable pulsation. She afterwards said I rubbed just like Doctor Double. She[Miss de Sans] thanked me for the book and seemed much pleased with the lines, said they were very dear, they made her cry - Sat a little while in Mrs B-'s room after dressing - Dinner at 6 - Mr Goddard who arrived latish last night, & began trying a dry flute this morning, made his appearance at dinner - well enough, seems as if he could talk enough but did not strike me as particularly gentlemanly - Mrs Cunliffe (who arrived from Bordeaux about 9 p.m. on f Friday) & all the rest of us played at Secretaire - I left the drawing room just before tea to sit with Mademoiselle de S- who had not left her bed - had tea in her room - staid an hour with her, & came up to my room at 9:50 - Mrs & Miss [Barlow] had been sitting here about ½ hour - She[Miss de Sans] told me again how pretty the lines were. Asked her confidentially, bidding her not name it t[o] Mrs B, to introduce her, if she could, to one or two nice, genteel French people. She first mentioned Doctor and Mrs Chavarnac. Mrs Ch is niece to the duke de I-forget-what. I delicately hinted that foreign physicians were in no great rank. Miss de S said they would be useful friends and mentioned the de Vaublancs, Count and Countess, if she should get to know them well enough to do the thing. Said she would much oblige me by this, for angry as Mrs B woul[d] be if she knew what I had been saying I knew she might hereafter feel the good of it if she staid three or four years in Paris - a few light showers during the day - F58° at 10:35 p.m. at which hour Miss B- went down to bed, & I just finished writing the last 17 lines - speaking of Dr Double Mademoiselle de S- consulted Dr Chavarnac (her other physician) what she should pay him wishing to do the thing not prodigally, but handsomely & sufficiently - she sent[?] him at the rate of 6 francs a visit, which Dr C- approved - Mrs B- sat with me till 11:40 - rallied her on my being so good a nurse to Miss de S, she would not prevent me, etc. etc. At last she owned she had rather not see me nurse so well. I said I knew her well and that even if we had been gone to Italy and this had happened if I had wished to be as happy as possible tonight it would be in vain for her feelings turned on so fine a pivota[l] circumstance like this would be enough to destroy them for the moment she could not and did not deny. Said I, 'If your husband went once astray the charm would be broken and whatever attenuating circumstances there might be, you could not be the same to him'. Again she owned this was true, that she could never get over it and if he chose to keep her in the house she would have separate beds. I said few women were like her. 'Yes,' said she, 'there are some'. 'Your sister, Jane said, but never mind - I love you the better for it'. 'Ah,' said she, 'I am best single'. 'Then will you not go with me to Italy?' - she smiled a 'Yes'. This sort of feeling towards me is certainly real and I believe she loves me; I almost think she could make me constant - Had just finished the last 10 lines at 12:40 - from 1 to 3:20 wrote 3 pages, & the ends, & crossed ⅔ of page 1 of a letter to M[ariana]" (2-Jan-1825)
To you Louise, may all she tells be true!
Thus when each twelvemonth's rapid race be run,
Leaving each wish fulfill'd, each purpose done,
May each young year inherit from the past;
And each in turn be happier than the last!
If Friendship's prayer avail that this should be,
Remember mine,- and then remember me.
"Waited to have my room & then sat down to breakfast at 12 - Mrs & Miss B- came a few minutes before - gave Mrs B my letter to read - she thought it well written and that Mariana would think I was not quite pleased. I quoted the whole of her paragraph, then answered it at length very quietly shewing that the ailment tho' I meant not to say it was great, she was the last to whom I would own this even if it were true, yet that it might be a little greater than she seemed to suppose and injustice to my uncle and aunt who were so anxious about me. I thought it right to stay as long as my medical man considered necessary. It was [an] accident [that] led Mrs B to know the real cause of my being here and she who recommended my consulting him. I felt so much as if I could not now do without her - I should go with Mrs B- when she left here on the 14th or 15th (next Friday or Saturday week) to no. 15 Quai Voltaire where she had taken a beautiful apartment, & where I begged M[ariana] to direct her next chez Madame Barlow - should write to my aunt in a day or 2 & mention this which was not fixed when I wrote last - sent Cordingley at 12 ½ to the post office in the Rue Jean-Jacques Rousseau with my letter to M- (Lawton Hall) - then wrote all the above of today - then sat talking to Mrs & Miss B-. The latter went to school at 2 ½, the former went downstairs for about an hour to arrange about her lease with her landlord, & to receive the visit of Colonel & Mrs Gregory - in the meanwhile I got ready to go out, & about 3 we set off - sauntered along the boulevards - a crowd about the bazar[sic], & a large heap or burnt timbers brought out & lying on the boulevard - guards placed at the entrance, and a box put up to receive subscriptions for the benefit of the sufferers - the building insured, but none of the goods belonging to the different people - Fires, says Monsieur de Boyve, so always get under [control?] in Paris, the people not afraid & never (speaking generally) insure their goods - he had once seen the flames bursting from the rez de chausséeground floor, & entre sol du premiermezzanine floor, while the inhabitants of the second were quietly looking out of the windows watching the firemen, quite satisfied the flames would be got under [control?] without doing the deuxieme étagesecond floor any injury - sauntered to the end of the Passage des Panoramas, very leisurely looking at all the shop-windows - the passage crowded - the shops most gay - got home at 4:40 - sat with Mrs B- in her room till 5 ¼ - felt a good deal fatigued - I am certainly much reduced in strength - we just asked Mademoiselle de S[ans] how she was (not well enough to go to dinner) & sat down to dinner at 6 - sat in the drawing room till 8, & then came to my room - tea about 9, & Mrs B- staid with me till 11:50 - I had put on my dressing gown and had Cordingley to curl me immediately after tea and then sent her to bed and Mrs Page being gone also Mrs B and I seemed quite left to ourselves. She had had a little pain in her back as common after and had lain down but got up to tea, then had lain down again and I got into her about ten and three quarters. I soon took up her petticoats so as to feel her naked thighs next to mine in my drawers. Then, after kissing with my tongue in her mouth, got the middle finger of my right hand up her and grubbled her longer and better than ever, she seeming rather more at ease than before, and taking it with more motion and apparent pleasure, which made me keep dawdling there a long time. She seemed more moist than before but really very nice. She hid her face on my shoulder and we lay a good while silent and as if half dozing. 'At last,' said I, 'have you not my affections and all my heart? How can I be more your own before we go to Italy?' 'Can you?' she answered, in a manner that seemed to say 'If you can be more my own, do' or as if inquiring whether I could think of any way of being more hers at present or not. I had just before whispered to her 'Oh, don't forget me when I am away. Can you forget me now? Don't marry and forget me'. 'Ah,' said she, 'how can you talk so?' Just after Jane went this morning she had said she thought Jane would know how to love. The child is a little jealous of me but it would not be gifts could bribe her, alluding to my having given her Racine. 'Yes,' said I, 'she is like you but you could not know so well how to love eighteen years ago as now'. 'Yes,' said she, 'I was better worth having then, I was plump and could love as well at seventeen as I do now' - instantly correcting herself and saying 'as I could do now'. Just before dinner I laughed and said 'But you did not like my nursing Miss de S[al] so well'. 'Ah,' said she, 'you mistook me, I was not jealous as you supposed. I had full confidence in you for you seemed to like my being with you, but I think su[ch] things are better lett[sic]) alone. You wow[own?] they excite feeling which I do not wish you to feel for anyone but me'. Surely she is very fond of me and begins to make gradually more and more sure of me. She has told me more than once any woman might deceive me. She always talks much of never being able to plan anything in her life, never could or would take the trouble. She never repulsed me so as to make me despair, yet since has heard me talk of the tie of this thing and the other. She has gradually induldged[sic] me more and more. Poor Madame Carbonier thought she was fine. Mrs B could not bear this - if she is at all so she little knows how well she is matched. I know not how it is I often suspect her a little of this. She often says Jane said so and so without my having said a word to her about it. Surely the child must be natural, her jealousy and objection to my having mamma must be genuine, but I have long enough to doubt almost anything. If Mrs B is really the very being she seems I almost pity her - and then I love her. But, alas, what shall I say of myself? In spite of all I have no serious thought of her at present tho' I am so far seducing her. Oh, this is terrible! It is the thought of her being deep that has led me on. If I have really done her injustice in this perhaps time will tell and then I shall make up my mind. What would Mariana say? - alas she has not the [k]nack of making me constant, the charm is indeed broken. I never have forgotten nor can forget the manner of her marriage, etc. I have thought her interested and this has poisoned all my mind. Perhaps I am too sceptic[al] now. If I am, poor Mrs B. Yet still [in] spite of knowing me engaged she has let me succeed with her. I know not what to think -
Very fine day - F.58° at 1:55 tonight, at which hour had just done the last 23 lines of the last page & the whole of this - Just after Mrs B went began incurring a cross and was three quarter hour about it, lying in bed thinking of her and using the finger that had been up her - EO[venereal complaint symbol] - it is excitement produces a great deal of the discharge - three quarters hour rubbing in mercury" (3-Jan-1825)
"Got out of bed at 9:35 & went down to Mrs Page's room to have a warm bath - waited a few minutes, then the coast being clear got into bed for a [few?] minutes to Mrs B who made no objection - took her right nipple in my mouth, then looked at it and grubbled her well, she yielding to the finger more than ever and being evidently sufficiently excited. I had my drawers on on account of last night's mercury - we were both in profuse perspiration when Cordingley rapped at Page's door to know if the bath was hot enough. I jumped out of bed - there was no dress - got into the bagnoir naked - finding it rather cold got out - threw on the plaid - took the dress at the door from Cordingley - got in again and had her to pour over me a kettle of boiling water then staid in an hour. Mrs B dressed in this while and came to me as soon as I was out of the bath and in bed again when at about 11 ¼ breakfast in bed - Mrs B sat with me (hemming a tablecloth) till about 1 when her landlord came & she went down to sign her lease, & pay the first ½ year's rent in advance - which is to be considered as the rent for the last 6 months of her holding the apartment - Colonel & Mrs Gregory called an hour, & it was after 2 when she returned to me - Madame Galvani had just come & staid till 4 ¼ - Monsieur de Boyve, on reading the lease, said it was all right - Madame G- said it was not the custom in France to pay ½ year's rent in advance for an unfurnished apartment - it was only so in the case of taking a furnished apartment - [illeg] the money was paid till all was done to Mrs B-'s satisfaction - the lease was in fact of no use - the liberty of either party to give 6 months notice to quit gave Mrs B- no certainty beyond this first year - so that the proprietor might afterwards raise the rent when he pleased - However, Mrs B- did not wish to be more positively tied - on Madame G's going Mrs B got onto the bed and without much entreaty into it I soon took up her petticoats, intertwined our naked thighs and with my right arm round got my left to queer and grubbled her well, she having more motion and taking it better than ever. By and by she said to me 'Into what a state you put me, you so excite my passions, no hand can be like yours'. 'Oh no,' said I, 'it is because you love me'. Said she, 'When once you put your hand there I am gone'. I heard her murmur 'It is delightful'. 'Ah,' said I, 'I dare not put myself near you', then after lingering with my second finger up her I said I could have had three or four kisses in this time - don't let me tire you. Now that I am not near you myself I have not quite the same perception of your feelings, nothing so tiresome as when these are not mutual at the same instant - however I found I might linger a little longer and so I did. We were both in a great heat, my night things wet and had just lain a little farther from each other when about 5 Mademoiselle de Sans sent up to say Monsieur le Comte de la Marthony had had sent her 3 tickets for the theatre Français, The Pr. de Conde's (i.e. the Duke of Bourbon) box - I could not possibly go - Mrs B- would go, & went down to speak to Mademoiselle de S-. Got up at 5 ¼ - went downstairs to dinner at 6 - Mademoiselle de S- persuaded me I could not get cold, & she & Mrs B- & I hurried from table & accompanied Monsieur de la M-'s son (one of the pages to the King) who had come for us - he & his father & another page to the King formed our party - the play, Racine's Phèdre. Mademoiselle Duchesnois very great in the character so much so one forgot her ugliness - Hippolyte well played by M. Firmin - the performance altogether good - our box opposite the King's - too much on the stage - the theatre newly done up since my aunt & I were there - looked clean & handsome - the Duke of Orleans had the 3 front boxes - he had now got the theatre with great difficulty, but there is yet a great part of the palace royal he can't get back again - The farce Molière's Monsieur de Pourceaugnac (vide Molière volume 5 page 95) the consultation between the physicians capital but the 20 or 30 apothecaries (men & tall boys) following the poor fellow with glyster pipes (large lead syringes) was beyond anything I could have imagined it possible to bring forward on the stage, particularly the Théatre[sic] Français - certainly not a scene for English ladies - Mrs B- looked at me & I at her - all the rest laughed heartily - by going out (turning to the left instead of the right) to the Place de Louvre where is a stand of fiacres, we got one immediately & got home at 11:20 - I sat 25 minutes with Mrs B-, had a glass of warm wine & water & then came up to bed - Mrs B- had had my inkstand this morning , had left it downstairs & I could not have written had I even wished it - showers during the day - Mrs B- on coming from luncheon, brought me the letter she had just had from her agents in London Messrs DeLisle, Janvrin, and DeLisle acknowledging the receipt of £100 they had received from Jones, Loyd & Co. paid by 'Mr James Lister of Shibden Hall near Halifax'" (4-Jan-1825)
"Breakfast at 11:25 - Mrs B came to me at 12 ¼ - she had promised to call on the Smith's who dined here yesterday, yet could not get away from me. We sat closer and closer and I got my hand up her petticoats, then pulled her on my knee and with my left hand grubbled her long and well, she having motion enough and evidently liking it. I was much excited and every limb of me trembled and shook - About 1 ¼ Mrs B- went down to luncheon - and at 2, we set out - she left her card for Mrs Smith (Hotel de l'Univers, Rue du Four, close to here) - & we then went to the Louvre - just walking thro' the different picture rooms, then went to the exposition of mosaic, carpets, & Sèvre[s] China (1 superb vase, the design of the painting Diana Chaining the Loves, 48,000 francs) - then walked thro' the hall of modern statuary, & got home at 4 - sat 20 minutes in Mrs B-'s room - then she came & sat here till 11 ½ - sat nearer and nearer then knelt between her thighs half slumbering with my head on her shoulder then got my hand up her petticoats, rubbed her right thigh some time then feeling her wet and ready for me pushed up my right middle finger and grubbled her well and long, she returning my little pressures of her thighs and gets gradually more at ease with me on these occasions. I had just thought of withdrawing when she stood up to look at my watch, this being a new position. At her again - pushed my right forefinger higher than perhaps I have ever been able to get before. Worked her well and she stood very quietly till I had done, merely widening her thighs to give me more room. I then knelt or sat at her feet with my head on her lap for a minute or two and she left me. She still shuns my glance a little, but gets more and more at home with me. Thus I have grubbled her twice today and as often yesterday. I must not make the indulgence too common, but shall see if I can't wait a day or so to whet her appetite. I still make love prettily saying how she has improved me, etc. etc, that I am now sure I could be constant to her. I can even now when I am absent and insinuating as if I shall be much more after we have been to Italy. Said I this morning: 'I shall be wanting a kiss in the middle of the day.' 'Oh, no!' said [she], 'I shall not let you' - yet she very soon after let me grubble her. I said tonight how much more gentle she had made me than I was at first. 'Ah,' said she, 'you are much more dangerous now than you were then.' - Very fine day - F.56° at 1:20 tonight - the air rather frosty this morning, & rather so the whole day - Had just written the whole of the last page & so far of this at 1:25 tonight - the few first lines of yesterday written this morning before Mrs B- came to me - EO[venereal complaint symbol] It is perhaps this perpetual excitement that makes me have so much discharge but it is not virulent- I do not think I increased my cold last night I was too wrapt[sic] up & the box was very comfortable, but tonight I have begun with a little cough - From 1 ¾ to 3 ¾ wrote 3 pages & the ends dated tonight (a very large sheet of very thin paper Mrs B- gave me) to my aunt to say Mrs B- had yesterday received a letter from Messrs DeLisle, Janvrin, & DeLisle to inform her that they received £100from Messrs Jones, Loyd, & Co. from my uncle to be placed to her account - of myself say I am going on well" (5-Jan-1825).
"Breakfast at 11 - Mrs B- then came & sat with me till I was ready to go out - at 11 ½, we set off to No. 15 Quai Voltaire to see how the workmen were getting on - very well - got home at 12 ½ - left Mrs B- & went to my bookseller no. 8 Rue Vivienne about the binding of Lord Byron's works - He had forgotten the agreement then afterwards said I had mistaken to have the volumes so handsomely bound & gilt for 3 ½ francs a volume - at last brought a book home to shew as a pattern - got back about 1 ¼ - found Madame Galvani here - shewed her the book - 3 francs a volume for such a binding would be quite[?] for the edges of the leaves were gilt, & the binding had a little gilding, the leather was bad - it was sheep, not ½ so good as calf, & 3 francs a volume would be quite enough for it - Mrs B- had had Mrs de Lancey - she came to us & we all set off to no. 15 Quai Voltaire to choose papers for Mrs B-'s room. Monsieur Vincent the proprietaire (landlord) allows 25 solssous for each rouleauroll of paper, & six francs per piece for the bordering - Mrs B-'s salon will take about 10 rouleaus - we chose papers & borders for the lodging rooms at Mr Vincent's prices, but for the salon nothing would do at less than 40 sols the rouleau, the additional 15 sols per rouleau must be paid by Mrs B-. Madame Galvani so much prefers a paper tout uni for a salon (all the same colour) and her taste in French furnishing must be so much better than ours, Mrs B- took it, & chose a light-grey stone colour & a green border for her drawing room - this which we should not have thought would look well even in a housekeeper's room in England, is much more comme il fautconforming to accepted standards here according to Madame Galvani, who says our papers in England are the ugliest things in the world, & in the worst taste - she like a paper tout uni whose value depends entirely on the fineness of the paper - we had almost chosen a very pretty paper (a blue star on a salmon-coloured ground) at 6 francs a rouleau, but Madame Galvani so much preferred the one tout uni, at 40 sols, that we thought it best to take the cheaper - Madame Galvani thinks a paper tout uni, couleur de amaranthe[sic] (a not very deep crimson) the handsomest, with what she calls a bordure Grec[que]Greek border, which paper would be from 9 to 12 francs a rouleau according to the quality, and she ordered some of this a 9 francs for her own little salon which she means to have done in the spring - in returning, looking into a large china-shop (very near to our no. 15), sauntered along the terrace d'eau round the Tuileries gardens - parted with Madame G- in Rue Castiglione, got home at 3 ¾. Mrs B- came into my room at 4 & we sat5 quietly together till after 5 - Dinner at 5 ¼ - did not dress because it being the 12th night after Xmas we were to have a soirée this evening - we staid in the drawing room till 7, then came up together to have my hair cut & dressed by Monsieur Creuseton, Place Vendôme 22, who cut my hair before, a nice little civil man who seems to know what he is about, & whom I would recommend - I had no serious thought of joining the party this evening(why dress & get cold? & not to dress when everyone else does is uncomfortable) but possibly I might - however when Mrs B- went down to her room to be coiffée, I fell asleep for ½ hour, & on awakening determined to stay quietly in my own room - she came to me at 9 for 20 minutes before going to the drawing room - Just before dinner Mrs B- lay down on my bed, being tired, and we talked quietly of Madame G[alvani] as a teacher, etc. invaluable to us, because a perfect gentlewoman versed in the language & usages of good society, advantages we strangers could seldom have in one teacher, & she teaches grammatically - but a person ought to be a pretty good grammarian before becoming a pupil of hers, & Mrs B- must look after Jane, & see that she made good use of the Grammaire des Grammaires - Said I had a high opinion of her, did not believe her now a woman of gallantry according to Madame de B[oyve], but that I wished Mrs B to be particular, always kind and attentive, but not to give a too general invitation, not t[o] be much seen with her or ever to walk with her. Mrs B was a person to fight Madame G[alvani]'s battles however unjust such and such things were said and Mrs B must be careful. She and I were different persons - I might do a thousand things she could not - A little before 4 Mrs B- sent Page to take back the book I brought this morning from no. 8 Rue Vivienne - Before going out this morning I left my letter to my aunt (Shibden) for Cordingley to take to the post - In the evening from 8 ½ to 11 ¾ (had tea at 10 ½) read Molière's farce of Monsieur [de] Pourceaugnac volume 5 and wrote the whole of this journal of today - Very fine day - F.56° at 11 ¾ p.m. - A gentleman & lady arrived today to live in the tent[?] room (Mrs Mackenzie's) & made their appearance at dinner. She had a pretty little figure but he has not an amiable countenance - seems clever - a bas bleubluestocking? He looks as if he had not much in him - nothing very taking about them - not perhaps haut ton du toutof high society; but I know not their name, & was too far from them to take much notice - EO[venereal complaint symbol] - Thirty minutes rubbing in mercury and about a quarter hour cutting my toenails" (6-Jan-1825).
"Got out of bed at 9:55, to have a bath in Page's room - finding it 104° Fahrenheit talked ¼ hour to Mrs B-, got into it at 10 ¼ - staid in an hour, & in bed again at 11 ½ - breakfast almost immediately & Mrs B- came about 11:40 & sat with me (hemming a tablecloth) till luncheon - afterwards sat and then lay by me till five and a quarter - grubbled her well - Dinner at 6 - Mr & Mrs C- & Mademoiselle de S- dined out - Mr Gladstones in his room with a bowl complete - Mr Moore (who was here soon after I first came) dined with us - left him & Captain & Mrs Baldero & Mr Goddard to Madame de Boyve, & Mrs B- & I came to my room immediately after dinner.She lay down while I had my hair curled, having a pain in her back, about which I afterwards joked a little and she agreed it might be a little my bringing on (that is by grubbling). I had lain down by her and was just going to grubble when Page brought tea at ten - Sent away the tea things at 10[sic] - Soon got into bed, sucked her left breast a considerable time and she saw me look at it twice or thrice then put my tongue into her mouth - she bit it in fun then let me suck hers and wet her lips as if she liked it. Talked of animals except man never copulating during gestatio[n]. She told me what it was the dean's daughter had said: she had married a sickly man who it was jokingly said could not do much, but she boasted he had and in proof urged the spoiling of two mattresses borrowed for the occasion. Mrs B had been asked by the lender of them if she thought this possible. She said no, the lady must have been unwell, it might be accident, fright might make her so. 'No,' said I, 'you know she had no fear - quite the contrary - but excess of pleasure might also produce this effect, it might also bring on a sort of convulsive affection by which a woman might hold a man fast - instanced the case of dogs. Some men had had their wives till within a few hours of labour. I soon found she was becoming gradually excited and had soon my right middle finger up her and grubbled her well. Then, during a little cessation, she said I knew anatomy well or could not know how to create such great excitement. Perceiving her ready at her again, determined to give her enough but his was not an easy matter for tho' I had one or more fingers of my right hand up her at least an hour without ceasing she was by no means either tired or perhaps I found it hard work and my hand was quite fatigued. I told her several times my wonder at her being able to bear so much, I was far the most tired of the two (she said she liked to have my hand there, her passions had been so long unroused she supposed they were therefore stronger now), that I could not think her cold now, that I had said I would not marry a pig in a poke and I had now tried her. I asked repeatedly if it eazed[sic] her, saying 'Tell me if I do, don't let me do that.' She always answered 'No', and talked only of my hurting myself. She said once or twice 'When will it be over?'. I said that so long as I felt that I evidently did not teaze[sic] her I could not leave her. She drew me to her - at last I said I was almost turned out. She asked what I meant, I answered she held me so tight, her queer held my fingers so closely, it required double strength to move them. I feared she might be a little sore tomorrow - she said with the utmost composure she thought she should, seeming not to mind it at all. I never had such a grubbling as this in my life before. All shew of reluctance is over now and I may say and do as I like, tho' on offering to kiss her queer just before she left me she prevented me. 'May I not?' said I. She answered 'No, not now.' I asked if she was angry - she replied, 'Oh no, I have no reason.' I still tell her she is not warm. She is affectionate, for her feelings hang on so fine a thread the least thing would break it. I knew I should be happy and that I should be quite satisfied with her. She said that was a consolation - Very kind letter from my aunt this morning - all well - wish me to stay as long as necessary - to let them know if I want more money - they had had acknowledgement from Messrs DeLisle Janvrin & DeLisle by return of post of the money - Fair in the morning, rain early on about noon for a couple of hours - afterwards thick & foggy - F.53° at at[sic] 10 this morning - wrote the rough draft of this journal of today in bed which took me till 3 - My cousin soon after the bath" (7-Jan-1825).
"Cut my nails - Breakfast at 10:35 - Mrs B- sat with me, waiting, 25 minutes & we set off to no. 15 Rue Voltaire at 11 ½ - found the back lodging room papered & all things in good progress - busy arranging 1 thing or another, & did not get home till 1 ¼ - expecting Madame Galvani who came about 1 ½ - at near 2 we all set off together [to] Au Gagne Petit (Rue des Moineaux) perhaps the largest, best, most honest shop in Paris, to buy curtains for the salon & bedrooms - then went to Madame Davenne's, Rue des Petits Champs, & chose a drawing room carpet (16 francs par anneper year(?)), bedding, and blankets then Madame G- went back with us to no. 15 Rue Voltaire to measure for curtains - she left us there about 4 - we staid some time longer - then it being 4 ½ when we got back to the Tuileries, the sentries would not let us pass thro' the gardens, we were obliged to go round & did not get home till 4:50 - Dinner at 5 ¾ - I sat in the drawing room till 9:40 then came up to bed - Mrs B- came to me at 10:25, & sat with me till 11:40 - From 12 to 1 ¾ wrote out the journal of yesterday, & wrote the above of today - Monsieur le Comte de la Marthony came almost immediately after dinner & Monsieur de Bellevue came about 9 - Fine day - F.57° at 2 ¾ tonight - Read from page 146 to 162 Grammaire des Grammaires - While my hair was curled and just before Mrs B came, made no allusion to last night, just rubbed her naked thighs a little. Just before she left me I could have excited her if I liked - she has passion enough and would be a nice little bedfellow. She goes about her household concerns nicely. I said tonight what good order she kept me in, meaning that after all I could take no liberty, she had me at a word and that I should love her always. 'Yes,' said she, 'as long as you can.' Has she a presentiment, for she often speaks in this way, that I shall, by and by, get the better of my fancy for her. She now begins to tell me anything, said Mrs Bunliffe told her tonight when Mrs C was once at Cheltenham the whole inn was roused by the screams of a lady. All ran to her assistance - the joke was the waiters had to stop them and say she was a bride of the first night (when Mr Hope - who wrote Anastasius - was married he passed the first night at his wife's father's) and she jumped out of bed and ran screaming all over the house. The lady has now a daughter sixteen". (8-Jan-1825).
"Breakfast at 11 ¾ Mrs B not dressed half an hour ago and now Jane was come - Mrs B- came & sat with me 10 minutes & at 12 ½ they went to Madame Galvani - I not feeling quite well excused myself meaning to take a little turn on the boulevards - set off at 1 - went as far as the Porte Saint-Martin, then turned back & went down the Rue de Cléry - called for a moment at no. 27 to ask Madame Laloy how she did - saw only her, & she was busy - in returning, instead of merely crossing the Rue Montmartre, (direct home) turned to my right, & pursued the Rue Montmartre till I found myself again on the boulevards - & returned this way & got home at 2 ½ - feeling tired & weak, & having a headache lay down, & slept & dozed till Mrs B- came to me a little before 5 - got up & we sat talking over the fire till 5:25. Said her coming had done me good, began rubbing her thighs - had taken her on my knee and and[sic] got my left middle finger up her for about a minute when Cordingley disturbed us by rapping to say they were dishing up dinner. I washed but had not time to dress - Dinner at 5 ¾ - Madame de B[oyve], Mademoiselle de S[ans] & Mrs Goddard hurried off to the Vaudeville thétre - sat a little while in the drawing room, till both Mr & Mrs C[ampbell] went, & then Mrs B- & Jane & I came away at 7:40 - I left them in their own room & came & wrote the above of today - Fancying I should want to write to my aunt tonight bought some letter paper in the Rue de la Paix - six pièces, each pièces[sic] containing 5 sheets, 3 pièces at 4 sols each, and 3 (very thin indeed[?] pour écrire aux étrangers) at 5 sols each - Mrs B- met the Countess de Fumel at Madame G[alvanis]'s this morning who asked her to a soiré chez elle on Wednesday - said she should be glad if Madame G- would take her with her - to meet Mrs Sewel's niece Mrs Brownrigg, & their old [illeg] Mrs Sewel's good old friend - Had done the above of today at 8 ¼ - went down to Mrs & Miss B- for 10 minutes - Had been doing my accounts altogether perhaps ¼ hour, when Mrs & Mrs[sic]Miss? B- came about 8 ¾ - tea at 9 - Mrs[sic]Miss? B- went to bed at 9 ¾ - Mrs B- staid with me till 11 ½ - Almost as soon as Jane went knelt and began rubbing her naked thighs and soon got my left middle finger up her. After a while knelt on the other side and had my right middle finger up. Then took her on my knee and continued this work - then she stood, pretending to look for my watch, but it suited my convenience for grubbling and I had then both hands at her queer, sometimes two and three fingers up and worked away famously. She said I should be tired. 'Oh no,' said I, 'never.' I asked if I had made her sore the other night. She said no, but I had bruised her a little, but it was quite gone off now. I asked if it eaz[sic] her. 'No' she always answered. After I had been grubbling above an hour I said I knew she was almost tired of her own. No, she said she was never tired of me. I said she began to shut me out, explained that I meant I could not get to her so well as at first, said I felt she had enough of me. She asked how I knew. 'Ah,' said I, 'I am sensible of every feeling you have.' To w[h]ich she answered 'I suppose so'. I just whispered 'Now if we were in bed we should fall asleep, you know you could sleep on my shoulder' (she knew I alluded to her declaring she could sleep quietly on the shoulder of a person she loved and wish for no more). She answered 'I once could tho' not now, you have taught me to be wicked.' I asked her twice 'Are you not my own?' 'No' said she both times, she knows this well enough. I always answer 'Well, but you must, and will be soon.' - She looked me fairly in the face tonight just when I withdrew my hand from her queer. This is the first time she has been able to do this; I may do as I like with her. Her passions are excited and she has got over all shame. I shall manage to get a look at her by and by, and when once accustomed to this she will refuse nothing. A victory quite so complete I did not expect so soon - For ¼ after Jane went to bed Mrs B- & I were talking over her going with Mrs G- to the Countess de Fumel's on Tuesday - we seemed to be against it, not liking the being taken by Madame G as she is now a teacher we did not like her introduction and however innocent, there are people who scandalize. Yet at last Mrs B seemed to argue for the things being well enough and I gave in saying I was no proper judge in this case - At all rates Mrs B- must now call on the Countess - by asking Madame G- to tell her how glad she should be to see her, she shewed a wish for Mrs B-'s acquaintance, & she (Mrs B-), according to French etiquette, must call - It could not be done here, in a large town like this, but in French country towns, it was the etiquette for strangers to call on all those whose acquaintance they desired - these people returned the call, &, then, if they, too, liked your acquaintance, they invited the stranger, & a regular visiting was begun - Fine day, tho' (Mrs B- told me) a little shower about 3 - F.61° at 1:10 tonight - read from page 162 to 172, volume 1 Grammaire des Grammaires & wrote the whole [of] this page so far, & had just done it at 1 ¼ - Forty minutes rubbing in mercury". (9-Jan-1825).
"Went down to have my bath in Mrs Page's room at 9 ¾ - talked ¼ hour to Mrs B- at her bedside - from 10 to 11 in the bath - it was about 100° Fahrenheit at first, but of course cooler for waiting ¼ hour - got into bed again about 11 ¼ - breakfast in about ½ hour - Mrs B- came for a few minutes before going out shopping - I slept & dozed till Mrs B- came again after luncheon for a minute or 2 before going to her banker, Monsieur DeLisle - Madame Galvani came a little after 3, & sat with me about ½ hour - Just before she came I had been interrupted by Cordingley in the midst of incurring a cross thinking of Miss Vallance and seeing her on my return. Before and during my bath this morning talking to Mrs B about Mrs Laloy. She said it had struck her I should go and see her on Sunday, she had never forgotten her coming here one day with some gauzes for me to look at that I had not ordered - it was all an excuse and if she had been an acquaintance of mine she would not have done such a thing. It was not Miss de Sans she should have thought of but this girl. I declared my perfect innocence in the matter for that whatever I might have done had I not known Mrs B. She had so changed me, I had never had a thought of anyone el[s]e since she declared she was so much with me. I had no opportunity, I protested. I could still manage this if I chose, and therefore begged her not thus to rob me of all credit. Just before all this I happened to say (in reply to her saying I had so kissed [her?] the other night she had the taste of mercury in her mouth when she awoke in the morning but it was I who had done it and insinuating did signify) I hoped I should be sweeter and quite different when she saw me next. 'Ah,' said she, 'perhaps I may not love you then.' 'What?' said I, 'Well I think I am the more constant of the two.' 'Ah,' said she, 'you know it would not do to be otherwise.' 'No,' said I, 'I will not be so from fear if I am not so regard[ed] I shall not be so at all. I know you would not have anything more to say to me, but I would take my chance for that, for if it was in long absence and I really deserved to be forgiven I think you would relent a little.' She made no answer but hid her head in the bedclothes as I was right and I went off to my bath - Mrs B- just came for 2 or 3 minutes at 5, to say she had had Monsieur de Lancey - wrote all the above of today, & went down to dinner at 6:05 - staid in the drawing room all the evening - Monsieur le Conte de la Marthony, General . . . 1 of the friends of Mademoiselle de Sans, & Monsieur de la Veure & Mrs Cunliffes's cousin Mr Kingston there, besides a lady & gent who came for ½ hour - Mrs B- & I came upstairs together at 10 ¼ - I sat with her till 11 ¼, then came to my own room - she read the letter she had yesterday from Miss Maingy - Not good style, a seeming effort to be so which does not answer. I longed to criticise one or two phrases hardly English, but refrained, merely answering I liked the letter, for Mrs B asked me if I did not think she wrote well. I asked her to read the latter part that was written by her aunt. She would not, she said I had many secrets from her. This led to the subject of Miss Laloy. I found she was serious and had really pothered herself with the thought of her having been an acquaintance of mine when I first came. She said I had reminded her of coming with gauzes. She had observed it at the time, she could not be easily imposed upon and could not bear to think of the thing. Now I was beginning to explain - she stopt me: 'Don't teaze[sic] me,' said 'I am not in a humour to hear of it', and half allowed she had been grave about it all day. 'But you know I have no right,' said she, 'to say anything about it', but said 'if it was as you suppose what would you think of you in telling you so many of my secrets? Should I have kept back this which as being nearer would have concerned you more?' I then protested and gave my word of honour that the girl was not, nor ever had been, an acquaintance of mine in the sense she imagined what she might possibly have been. Had I never known Mrs B was another thing, but I declared I had not gone astray once since my arrival. Said she had made me unhappy about it all the day and nothing could be more unjust. On this she said she believed me, seemed better satisfied and I came away. How desperately jealous she could be and how particular I must be towards her - From 12 ¼ to 12 /¾ wrote the last 18 lines of today - the English post-days have been changed since this day-week (January 3) - we now send our letters Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays, & Saturdays, and receive the intermediate days - In the course of the morning & evening have read from page 172 to 185 volume 1 Grammaire des Grammaires - Mrs B- went to her banker Monsieur DeLisle this morning and drew for me the £100 paid to her agents in London by my uncle this (the exchange being 25 francs) made 2500 francs from which 25 francs being deducted for 'commission & brokerage at 1 percent' 'net remains 2475 francs' - I have already had six hundred franks[sic] from Mrs B. I have let her have three out of five of the five hundred frank bills and therefore if I pay her tomorrow one hundred and twenty-five franks she will then owe me just a thousand franks - Fine day - F.58° at 1 p.m. I had finished this & written the rough draft of the index of today at 1 ¼". (10-Jan-1825).
"Breakfast at 10 ¾ - Mrs B- sat with me from then to 11 ½ (waiting all the while), when we took Page, & a fiacre à l'heure, & set off to the Rue de Cléry (stopt as we went at a furniture shop in the Rue Neuve des Petits Champs) - called & took Madame Laloy with us to 2 furniture shops where Mrs B- bought furniture en noyerin walnut & bedsteads all which after some bargaining on the part of Laloy himself are to be delivered at no. 15 Rue Voltaire for 5 francs. Then after staying some time talking chez Laloy he went with us to no. 47 (chez Mathion Tourneur) where Mrs B- bought 1 dozen very neat mahogany-like string-bottled[?] chairs at 5 ½ francs each - very neat kitchen chairs to be bought elsewhere at 3 francs each - the painted bedsteads (3 pieds de largeur3 feet wide) 26 francs each - got home about 2 ¼, & paid the [illeg - probably the driver of the fiacre], for 2 ¾ hours, 5 francs - Madame Galvani was waiting for us, & sat with us ¾ hour - she some of the purchases were enormously dear - Mrs B- said she was too much fatigued to go with her tonight to the soirée chez la Comtesse Fumel - Mrs B- & I sat talking till 5 ¼ -
I had been grave - she said I had not kissed her once today and therefore she had kissed me so much oftener. I had it was on account of what had passed about Miss Laloy - I was hurt we explained. She [Mrs Barlow] always believes all I say, should believe black was white if I said so but this was her way - she could not help it, and when she was reminded of these things (gaieties) she might hate for five or six hours but then it all passed away for she had confidence in me now she knew she had no cause to doubt me. If she had it would be different - these feelings, instead of passing so soon, would last forever. She spoke of what her aunt had written: it seems there was a paragraph about me - she would not let me see. She had mentioned, without name, having formed a very agreeable acquaintance here and that we might eventually travel and then settle together, 'for I should not marry,' to which her aunt had sensibly replied she had better not tie herself to any woman, she had better marry, it would be more respectable. Besides, if I had less fortune than herself the connection would be imprudent on her child's account, and if I had more she would seem like my dependent. Added to all this I was younger than she, meaning that I might marry. I said I liked her aunt for all this, it was very sensible and proper, then argued there was all the difference in the world between love and friendship - in a case of proper attachment there could be no such feeling of dependence, to which Mrs B agreed but, thought I, this is pushing the matter rather far. I do not much like this sort of communication to her aunt. Mrs B had said it was mentioning your going with me to my house made [her?] say all this - By and by I got to grubbling with my right hand for perhaps quarter hour, but she seemed less keen about it than usual and I left off therefore and we chatted - Dinner at 6:05 - Mrs B- went to her room about 7 ½ to arrange matters with her tapissierupholsterer. I came upstairs at 8:20 - a few minutes in Mrs B's room sucking her left breast then came to my own room - had my hair curled - Mrs B- came to me about 8 ¾, & staid with me till 11:50 - tea a little after 9 - Mrs B- hemming a table cloth till 10:50 - then very soon got my left middle finger up her - began very gently rubbing the part and she became gradually more and more excited. She pressed her hand twice against mine as if to keep my finger up her. At last she got up, sat astride of my left thigh, pressed against it and worked about in good earnest as if in real copulation. I contrived to make [her?] hear the noise of grubbling and this seemed to excite her. I certainly was grubbling a full hour. She saw me excited and bade me lie down a few minutes. However I leaned back in my chair with my eyes shut and she left me - she said at tea she could not bear to see Mariana but it was not from any dislike. Then she said she might be accustomed to it in time, but I might have two: one at home and one here. 'Is it you,' said I, 'who tell me so'. Then said I, 'It will be une amiefriend and une amantelover,' but she seems to think I may warm [to?] Mariana hereafter" (11-Jan-1825).
"Breakfast at 10:50 - Mrs B- & I went out together (took Mrs Page with us) at 11:25 - went first to no. 15 Rue Voltaire then went to the Rue du Bac to buy kitchen things at the second shop, then above an hour buying pots at the third shop, returned thro' the Place du Carrousel, & got home in 19 minutes (from no. 19 Rue du Bac) at 6 - Had just time to wash our hands & sat down to dinner at 6:05 - Mademoiselle de S[ans] dined out - only the Cunliffes in the drawing room - Mrs B- staid till about, & the Cunliffes & I all went away together at 8 ½ - no plan so bad, said Mrs C-, as to go to those advertising cheap wine-merchants - even if they let you have the wine so good as it ought to for the money, which is seldom the case, they cheat you in the size of the bottles which are so small that they make their profit in this way - they make a pipe which should run 50 dozen run 70 dozen - It is best to buy a pipe at once - you then get the wine at £2 a dozen - you ought to have very good in small quantities, at 3 guineas a dozen but not very old - this would be about 70/- a dozen - Speaking at dinner of learning languages Mr C- had learnt Persian & Mrs Boldero Italian by first reading aloud so as to get the pronounciation & become accustomed as it were to the look of the words, & then study the grammar - Mr Goddard said there was, & is now, a professor at Bologna who know & speaks 32 languages you would suppose him a native of each country whose language he is speaking, yet he had never been out of his own country, scarcely out of his own town - all agreed how much habit increases the facility of learning languages - said Mr c_ to learn 1 language is very difficult, to learn a second less so, a third easy, & a fourth a mere nothing - but after English, perhaps French, as the language of society and which is current everywhere, - German & Italian are the only languages whose literature repays the trouble of learning them - German, the most comprehensive of all modern European languages, has 3,000 words more than the English has - Found Mrs B- lying down - much fatigued - sat by her bedside till 11 - had tea about 9 ½ - tried different samples - at 6 francs all not drinkable - at 7 better, but hardly good enough for our use tho' our stay in Paris has accustomed us all to what we should not drink at home - For nearly the last hour knelt by her grubbling with my left hand, chiefly the middle finger up her. She evidently liked it, but I work her too long and when I sleep with her I must manage this matter better - Fine day - F55° at 12:40 tonight at which hour (began at 12) had just done all the above of today - just before breakfast & tonight read from page 203 to 215 volume 1 Gram[aire] des Grams[aires]" (12-Jan-1825).
"Talked to Mrs B- at her bedside, 3 or 4 minutes & then at 9:55 stepped into my bath (94° Fahrenheit) in Mrs Page's room, & staid in 55 minutes. Returned to my own room got into bed again , & had breakfast at 11:05 - the bath rather too cold this morning - felt my feet very cold for a long time after - Mrs B- being busy packing etc, & I left to myself fell asleep & at 2, when Madame Galvani came, was so fast asleep, that neither her coming in, nor stirring the fire awakened me, & she had staid by me ½ hour without my knowing it when Cordingley came in, making, as usual, such a noise that, of course, I awoke - sent for Mrs B- she came by and by, & Madame G- staid with us till 3:10 - Mrs B- then left me for near an hour, returned about 4, & staid with me till 5:35 got into bed to me and I had a long grubbling with my left hand - Dinner at 6:05, came upstairs at 7 ¾ - had just got my hair curled when Mrs B, who had bee[n] sometime in her own room, came to me after tea. She lay down, I took off my stays and lay down by her - pretty quiet at first but for about the last hour had my right hand feeling her queer and every now and then the middle finger up her, giving her little rests between and thus managing better than before when I had my finger up more or less the whole time. Talked of male and female seed, explained the French method - said the man suffered himself to be excited till the seed flowed and when he had spilt this then and not before did he have intercourse with his wife for the seed being gone the danger of impregnation was over, but, said I, 'When this is not gone the safest position is standing, for then the woman does not retain so well'. I had brought on the subject by saying just before she left me 'You teach me to do as the French do'. She asked what I meant and so came on the above explanation. Just before she left me this morning I said I had altered her figure a little, she was more comfortable now. 'How,' said she, 'you are not quite so strait'. 'Ah,' said she, 'I thought that was never a fault'. 'No, never, you are right, but there is a medium, the moisture never flows quite so well just at first'. On this I said men often paid more to have very young women pas trop uséenot much used but were generally deceived. Then, alluding to the first chapter of Romans, said it was having used their wives too much in one place made them entry[sic] the other, that pleasure depended on the tightness of the stricture and this was the reason of pederasty. She knew not the meaning of the word. I said it signified the use of boys but I observed if a woman loved her husband nature made her hold him tight - she seemed to understand. I had before said Mrs Bolderoe looked as if she had not got over the painful part - they have been married six weeks she agreed saying women had often a great deal to go through and for a long time but that many men thought only of themselves when I told her tonight the exact way the French men managed. She said I d[id] not understand, that on expressing my surprise she said I d[id] not quite understand it as you say. On this I said 'Is it possible Miss Harvey should know this?'. 'Oh yes,' said she, 'Mrs Middleton would tell her and all men tell their wives'. She now gets more and more accustomed to me and were I quite well I should have her as often as I liked and this not at all because she makes sure [of?] me, for often, nay always, if I talk of what I shall do in future about Jane she says what castle-building and thus stops me - Mrs B- came to me about 8:20 & left me at 11:35 - we had tea about 9 ¼ - Fine day, tho' rather thickish - F.58° at 11 ¾ - obliged to go down to Mrs B- for my keys which she had taken away - From 12 to 12:50 wrote the whole of the journal of today - till 1:25 looking over Mrs B-'s bills" (13-Jan-1825).
"Trying last night to get the middle right finger up myself to see which manner of doing answered best, that I might practise this on Mrs B, but it gave me no pleasure at all, rather hurt me and I left off and incurred a cr[o]ss in my own way, that is by rubbing the top part of queer. But Mrs B can take one or more fingers with ease and I can feel her clitoris all the way up, just like an internal penis - Obliged to get into bed again this morning for 10 minutes - the water in the bowl was so dirty I could not, or would not use it - Mrs B- came to me for a minute just before she went to her banker (Mr Delisle) at 11 - Breakfast at 11 - then wrote the last six lines - went out at 12 - while stopping at a bookstall in the Rue Castiglione Mrs B- passed in a fiacre, took me up, & away we went to no. 15 Quai Voltaire & staid there (I went twice to the ironmongers in the Rue de Bac) till after 5 - got home at 5:35 - Dinner at 6 - the Count de la Marthony & Mr St. Auban called - We both paid Mr Deboyve - Mrs B- & I left the drawing room together at 10:55 - I sat 5 minutes with her in her own room, then came up to mine - from 12 to 2 ¼ packing - then wrote the last 4 ½ lines - Very fine day - rather frosty - the streets pretty clean - F. was 56° at 2 tonight" (14-Jan-1825).
"Finished packing & sent off my trunks at 11 - breakfast at 11 - Mademoiselle de S[ans] staid with me from about 12 to 1 ½ Mrs B- came to us for the last ½ hour, during which time went for a few minutes to take leave of Mrs Cunliffe - went downstairs to luncheon for a minute to see & take leave of Madame de B- but she did not make her appearance - Mrs Page gone a couple of hours before, Mrs B- & I put up remainder of our things into a fiacre. Took Cordingley in with us, & got here (no. 15 Quai Voltaire) about 2 Page washing my room where we were to sit as soon as it was done and then sleep the other room not being ready we were glad of the excuse not to send for Jane and to sleep together. Sat for the moment in the salle a manger among all the furniture - Mrs B looked so grave I asked if she was ill. Perhaps I talked too much; this overcame her spirits - I had just got downstairs on my way out, when I met Madame Galvani - turned back with her, & she sat with us about ½ hour & left us at 4 - went immediately to the Café d'Orai en face du Pont Royal, & ordered dinner at 5 - (Potage à la Julienne, omelette aux fines herbes, & compote des pruneaus pour deux) - walked thro' the gardens ½ way along the Rue Castiglione, yet did not buy an almanac after all, & staid back about 5 - found M. le Comte de la Marthonie[footnote]Anne varies the spelling of Marthony/ie. here, come to pay his respects to Mrs B- in her new house - he staid about ½ hour longer - dinner waited & we sat down about 5 ½ - tea a little after 8 - Mrs B undressed in her own room - got into bed a few minutes before me and I was in bed at ten - Very fine day - the air rather frosty" (15-Jan-1825).
"She nothing loth last night - grubbled for near an hour but not finding myself enough excited no flow of urine or otherwise said I was not quite right should be better by and by. Rested perhaps half hour then at her again feeling myself wet enough (tho' I put my queer near her she knows how far I am excited) grubbled her above an hour with the exertion I had not a dry thread on me she had flannel and besides this her night shift and day ditto. She got up and went to the cabinet, in the meantime I put on a dry night chemise and we slept a little in each others arms - awoke at five or six, [she] playing with the top of my queer a little. I took it quietly telling her to give up or she would excite me. How she could bear it so long, but said it must be because she likes me. She owned she loved me or she should not be then with me, if I knew her better I should know all this - hinted at what she sacrificed. She meant virtue I supposed, but I merely said I could sacrifice everything for her: Shibden, my friends, every prospect I had. I had scarcely said it ere the feeling of insincerity on this point struck me. She shed tears as she said if I knew her better, etc. and they continued to flow gently some minutes. We talked of one thing or other as I grubbled, explained to her the different parts of queer bade her open and shut herself, explained the toast of the Wexford oyster, that a woman's queer should be small like that, and salt and smelling like it. We got to talk of Colonel Barlow, he let her alone the first night and would longer but he thought it best for her to have it over after the fir[s]t time she fainted and he ran to the next room for wine and water she did not know she was to receive anything and when his seed began to flow from her she thought she was bleeding to death. She suffered every time till she was in a family way - that was five months she was so small. The dean's daughter's husband had attacked her seven times the first night. I wanted to look at her just before getting up she would not let me do this but I shall gain the point another time she has no shame with me now. I told her whatever happened she would always have my heart I would at all rates be a friend in whom she might confide I had said that as she was so small Colonel B ought to have tried first with his hand - she said he did do so and the first time she had ever received pleasure was from the hand she got up and went to her room to dress a little before eleven and I got up at half past... Dinner at 6... tea at 8 - Jane went to bed at 9 - Mrs B- staid with [Jane] ¾ hour then returned to me & staid with me from 9 ¾ to 12:35... I just touched her thigh but promised to go no farther and kept my promise - every little above love merely a little speech now and then. I had been thinking while she was away her temper would not quite suit me - Mariana better after all, more cheerful, more open - yet I did not think so much of this" (16-Jan-1825).
"Staid talking to Mrs B- in her room till mine was done - Breakfast at 12:20 - Mrs B came to me about one - we sat down together by the fire - I soon got my hand up her petticoats then gave her a good grubbling - she stood up for me to get my left middle finger the higher up and held my finger as tight as she could, pushing herself against it and giving evident proof of her liking it. She got up and got a towel to wipe my hand - I would not have it wiped and she just said good humouredly 'Oh, you pig' and walked off to get ready to go out - ...Got home about 7 ½ - sat down to dinner immediately - Mrs B- had waited for me - everything looked comfortable Said she, 'I miss you much more in an evening than a morning - what shall I do without you?' She is certainly very fond of me and she herself will know this better when I am gone. She has a grave, not very [p]liant manner in general, but she means not to be out of humour and had she more money to spend it might make a great change besides she is not strong - tired tonight and pain in her back - she is rather hard worked what with grubbling and one thing or other - Mrs B- went to bed early at 9 ¼ - I sat up looking a little at my accounts & writing the above of today which I had just done a 10:35 - Fine day - F.58° at 10:35 p.m." (17-Jan-1825).
"Kept the candle burning last night for some time after getting into bed hoping to see her but she would not let me - grubbled perseveringly but told her she was not quite so moist as usual. On putting the candle out we talked of this and that. She became wet - I grubbled with more spirit - we were both much excited and it must have been near three before we fell asleep. Cordingley awoke us at half past nine - we became cozy - she put her hand to me to examine if I was made quite like her, laughing and saying she had a right to do as much as I did. I would willingly have got her hand off but she said she liked to have it there because I declared no-one else ever did so, but I had said if she did so I could not behave well - I should be excited - and this was what in fact she wished. Talked me over some little time I saying my taste was natural etc. Told her of Tom Brigham's telling long since I had no cock to stand. She fancied he had examined me and I him and I letting this pass she of course believes it said Mr Simmons had examined me insinuating as if his manner betokened that there was some small difference between my form and that of women in general. She seemed to think I rose more at the mons veneris, that my breasts were rather masculine, I was small about the hips, etc. Said I could not bear her finger near the anus - my pleasure was quite in front. She said I should not do to be married, I could not bear the first ceremony - I knew she alluded to putting the finger up. Talked of her first night of marriage - Colone[l] B as well as I had often told her how nice and moist she was. It was Mr Deiersey, the brother of her friend of that name, who attacked his wife seven times the first night. She had heard of a gentleman who had been brutal enough to declare he would get up for a penknife to make the passage larger. I kept grubbling all the while, she moving as I wished - she told me I had given her so much pleasure yesterday noon she could hardly bear it - she got up a little before ten but by and by came back again saying she had a pain in her stomach and would get into bed again, so she did. She had a cup of tea in bed and we grubbled again just before getting up - finally she let me put my head under the clothes, kiss the top of her queer, and look at her. Said I should always love her. I think I might understand the probability that whatever might happen she would not refuse to indulge me - I may now do what I like with her, but she is delicate and I really begin to like her better and better" (18-Jan-1825).
"She in bed quarter before me. She was tired, we were to lie quiet yet awoke in the night and grubbled her a little. She fidgetted a little and awoke me sometime before time to get up then began grubbling finding me only moderately excited (no flow) she offered to that is asked me if she should put her hand to me to give me ease but I fought off. By and by Page brought her a cup of tea and lighted the fire. After this, instead of getting up, I found she would have no dislike to my trying again in spite of her saying we both wanted rest and that she was a little sore. I had put my hand upon her over her clothes, she removed them and then replaced my hand - I said this was kind and affectionate. 'Well,' said she, 'it is a place of endearment.' This excited me, I at her again and had a goodish kiss. She felt this and said she had a better for it. 'How odd,' said she, 'that it should make such a difference.' Said I: 'It is because you feel to give me pleasure.' She let me look at her a considerable time and watched me as I looked and grubbled, yet she took the pot out of the room last night declaring she could not yet use it before me. I afterwards did the same but said I was determined - we would both learn better - in fact we now go on just like man and wife. ...Mrs B-'s cold bad & she went to bed before 8... Three quarters rubbing in mercury. Mrs B awoke, up sat in bed to look at and talk to me while I rubbed" (19-Jan-1825).
"As I was to be very quiet and behave well last night I did not fondle her much, but turned and fell asleep. She awoke me perhaps about eight, told me how well I had slept, it seemed she had not done it to[o]. Said she, I was feverish and fidgetty and too fond of my own. We talked pretty quietly - she had a cup of tea and our fire was lighted about nine. After this, pe[r]ceiving she would have no objection to me, I began grubbling and did it pretty well for her put my head under the clothes kissed the top of her queer she putting herself in whatever position I liked. She got up twenty minutes before me during which time I lay and incurred a cross - Breakfast at 11:40 - dawdled over 1 thing or another... I was just going to write my journal when Madame Galvani came & sat with me till 3:40, when it was time for me to go to the Bains Vigier - In my bath (28° Reaumur) from 4:40 to 5:25 - got home & sat down to dinner at 6... tea at 8 - meant to go to bed very early, but began talking of 1 thing or other - took up my journal - read Mrs B Saturday 17 July last (pages 23~5), & sat chatting over it till 10:20 - she was never angry with me but with herself, becaue she loved too soon" (20-Jan-1825).
"Very much on the amoroso last night - both got into bed together. She always sleeps in a night shift and day ditto, and something flannel besides having a flannel dressing gown on and her feet wrapped in her flannel petticoat when she first gets into bed to keep the cold sheets from her, she is so chilly. She so[on] took up her things for me that I could get to her, and perhaps it might be about one when we had had five good kisses and three little naps between, and when she took off her flannel dressing gown we lay with our things pushed up to our chins, pressing all our naked length together. I had before declared I was determined we should both get off the foolish nonsense of going out of the room to use the pot. I would have the pot in bed and try to sit on it both at once - we tried and laughed and could not manage it. I then used the thing in bed. She took it after me but finding she had sat five or six minutes without being able to do anything. She got up and went to the hearth, I then jumped up, made a noise with the bed tucking up the clothes and she fancying I could and did not hear made water at last. Not till this morning would I allow that I had heard her. We awoke between eight and nine she always bids me not exhaust myself and not do any more for fear of hurting myself but finding her ready we had two or three more kisses - she asked if they were good ones. She began talking of malformation - I said I could not bear the subject. She said it was my only excuse - she could not bear anything sapphique - she thought I was differently made from her: about the mons veneris I rose very much when excited. I let this pass thinking, 'Well, she could find out anything'. She asked what Mr Simmon had said - at first I turned it off but afterwards taking up her idea of rising, said I felt as if something might come farther out and that perhaps if I had an operation performed I might have a little thing - half an inch would be convenient. It would enable me to have my drawers made differently - that is to make water more conveniently. She would have it Mr Simmons had told me this and I let it pass. She laughed and joked me about having 'a little one' yet said she would rather have me as I was for now. There was nothing apparent. I grubbled again, she having first put her hand to me, declaring she liked it because none else might do it. She bade me put her in the position I liked best, she then lay all her length upon me, the tops of our two queers in contact. Then she, lying on her left side with my right thigh between hers, she said it should be the other - on which I put the left thigh between hers and got as near to her as I durst not to be in danger of infecting her with my complaint. Explained to her that old women became dry. She said what a great deal she had borne in the Place Vendôme, how often I had excited her - she had been surprised to [find?] herself wet. Colonel [Barlow] often said she was so and praised [her] for it, but she knew not that she was only so wet, that it only came when she was excited but, said she, 'I could bear it so long as you kept over my clothes, but when you presumed beyond these then it was over.' I little thought what I had sometimes made her feel. She told me yesterday that touching her nipple then excited her but it did now. She let me look at her and grubble under the clothes. I have two or three time[s] asked her to give me a few hairs but she has always refused - she did so this morning but seemed rather inclined to relent when I said there were for a talisman to keep me constant. I think I shall get them by and by. She let me just before we got up (both jumped out of bed at the same moment) throw down the clothes and look at her in the full light I told her I had no idea she was so pretty there, it was the prettiest part about her. It really is very pretty, quite black and round and fat and very nicely formed - I have told her since that the prettiest part of her is quite hid she seems pleased and happy with me. When I came from my bath last night she said she had thought of me often and hoped I missed her. 'Ah,' said she, 'if I cannot do without you for a few hours, what shall I do when you are gone?' - Speaking of fatiguing myself this morning she said I could keep another in a state of great excitement but I could not do enough to tire them as much as myself - Breakfast at 1 - for a little while before, - and afterwards till 3:20, wrote the journal of yesterday & so far of today - then went & sat with Mrs B- in the salle a manger - looked over her accounts, & then talked & chatted till 5 ¼ - Dinner at 6 - spoke French all the evening, meaning to begin the habit of doing so always - tea at 7 ¾ - a good deal of light rain before noon - afterwards pretty fair - F.56° at 9:05" (21-Jan-1825).
"Breakfast at 12 ¾ - my letters were brought by the porter from 24 Place Vendôme before 10 - 3 pages & the first crossed from I[sabella] N[orcliffe] (Langton) - all well - the only 2 places IN- did not see here 'St. Germains, & the room at the Conçiergerie where the poor queen of France was confined' - I must see the latter - Norcliffe took Lucy Foulis to Langton for a day, 'with whom, I am sorry to say, he makes himself very ridiculous - he appears to be as much in love with her as ever. He was with his own wife she was obliged to go to bed with a bad headache and on my mother's going in to her room to inquire after her to her horror she found Norcliffe supporting her in bed with her head resting on his shoulder. The next morning he was there before she was up and in short makes himself most ridiculous. I fear he is not liked for Burnett told me that a very respectable man said to her the other day upon being told that he was gone into his lodgings in York, 'So I understand and long may he continue there.' All these things annoy us very much but it is perhaps useless to grieve at what cannot be helped' - What can all this mean? I think the girl will be in a scrape if she does not take care - Very kind letter, crossed entirely throughout, from Miss McLean written at several different times from November 22 to December 27 on which day it was sent off from Tobermory - Mrs B- stood up at 10 ½, but came & sat with [me] ¾ hour - I then lay reading my letters but having only time to skim the latter I must reserve it till tonight - sat over our breakfast till 1 ¾ - some gentleman called on Mrs B- at 2, & I wrote the above of today - she begged me for my own sake to be quiet last night - my bowels had been costive the last two days and I had a hard time of it at the place. Just before undressing I told her of this she said it was owing to exhaustion, she knew this from experience. She said she was calm and had no wish for me but when I asked and begged her to come she said very kindly and properly, 'Well if you really wish it I will do any thing you please.' She then lay as if I was really going to be connected with her. I grubbled her for a few minutes by some accident or other I hurt her but I had a kiss and then fell asleep. We lay quiet this morning she came to me very affectionately saying [it] was so delightful to her as to lie thus, quietly in the arms of those we loved. We then talked a little of Eliza [Raine] and of her dislike to Mariana and my engagement said as I had once or twice done before that Lou [Belcombe] told me Mariana was worldly. Mrs B at last confessed that she thought she was, but perhaps she was wicked. In owning this was her opinion which she had always refused giving before - she had two strings to her bow and she had great influence with me she would change me when I was with her. I said no. 'Ah,' she replied, 'she may love you and were she hanging on your bosom you know not what she could do, she would not object to me - you might amuse yourself with me here, that would not hurt her cause.' Here I saw Mrs B was affected: the tears fell fast. I was affectionate, said love was the strongest tie, I should always love etc. etc. 'But,' said she, 'you can only leave me as you found me.' I said I really believed she loved me and that perhaps none would love me better. 'No,' said I, 'do not think they ever will. I love you for yourself alone, your mind and heart, not your person or situation at all.' I begin to be persuaded she really does love me and I feel I could not bear to give her uneasiness, my heart half ached for her. We both agreed we had gone too far but it was too late to recall the thing now - Talked a little on this subject just after breakfast and she was again low and thoughtful and the tears trickled down her cheeks - Mr Carey was the gentleman who called at 2 - he hurried off at 2:20 when Madame de Boyve & Miss Harvey [called?] - after some while the latter asked for me & they came here into my room - Madame de B- all smiling on Mrs B- but she & I tho' civil, yet evidently shy towards each other - they staid about ½ hour - Jane arrived from school about 4 after Mrs B- & I had been chatting about an hour together - at 4 ½ Monsieur de la Marthonie called & staid, I understand, till after 5 - at 4:35 I went out - to Planche the apothecary and got eight more papers of mercurial ointment - went thro' the gardens & Rue de la Paix along the boulevard as far as the Rue du Helder - returned thro' the Place du Carrousel, & got home at 5:55, & sat down to dinner at 6 - Tea at 7 ¾ - Jane went to bed a little before 9 - Mrs B went with her but returned when I had had my hair curle[d] and sat with me from nine and half to two and a quarter. Grubble[d] her or had my left middle finger quietly up her almost all the time. I had three or four kisses, or rather excitements. She seeming very glad of me. She placed herself on my knee with her legs upon a chair and wide enough, then stood up a little and gave me all the facility she could. We talked - she said Mr de Cussy had told Miss Harvey a little poison would do her good and he had explained this to her and wanted, in spite of her blushing, to explain again before Mrs B and Mrs Middleton, but Mr B prevented him. Colonel B had told her that to say a woman was poisoned meant she had been connected with a man. The reason of the term was that poison acted by swelling a person and a connection with [a] man made the parts swell. Colonel B had also told her a woman who had the venereal complaint was called a fireship. I told her one or two little things: to mount a pocky saddle, etc. etc. Shewed her different sorts of kissing. She kept my hand to her. I told her when she was wet, etc. She said she liked me to go high up, etc. It was too late now but she should always think herself wicked for having so yielded to me. Agreed we should forgive each other init[i]al[l]y yet still she could never think so well of herself again. Said I, 'Circumstances alter, as we cannot go and be married what could we do?' 'Oh,' said she, telling me (she quoted from Cowper) 'It is pairing time anticipated.' We heard a noise - it was Jane who, getting out of bed, came to see if mamma was sleeping with me. She went back with the child - I wrote the whole of this page which took till 3:10 - Fine day - F.55° at 3:10 tonight - Very wet with excitement and she so too - By the way, her last letter to Mr H[ancock] was answered immediately and she had another from him a little while ago. Wondering why she did not write again, and she said she must do it, it would be so unkind not [to]. I said merely a 'Well, do as you think best,' without appearing to take much notice of the thing. Speaking of French men she said what made them all appear old so soon, was not the variety of women they were with, but their habit of boasting to one another what they could do. Mr de Cussy one day walking with Mrs Middleton pointed out to her a stout handsome marquis saying that he had dined with a lady, that he had (from the evening to very early in the morning when he was obliged to leave her) twel[v]e kisses. I told her Ovid had mentioned nine times as his maximum".
In the margin: "'Ah,' said I, 'you told me the other day that tho' you loved me that was no reason you should love me only. Will you go and marry Mr Hancock?' 'No,' said she, 'I cannot love two at once'" (22-Jan-1825).
"About 9 Cordingley brought me a Seidlitz powder, & soon afterwards a cup of hot tea - nothing could do better for me - worked twice in about an hour and half without giving me the least inconvenience after all this. Lay examining myself - got my second right finger up as high as I could - certainly no pleasure to me but not to be called pain, tho' rather painful when I d[id] not keep the pressure as forward as possible. At last, at the height of halfway between the second joint and knuc[k]le of my right middle finger, I felt, as it were, the end of the passage like a little round knob: this, in Mrs B, is perforated. When she pushes herself against me I make my finger just reach to enter which gives her pleasure. With me this part i[s] a close[d] round knob. It is here therefore wher[e] the first copulation has to force an entrance; here is the membrane that is to be broken and hence comes the bloody appearance which marks the marriage sheets of a virgin, but this may not be much felt - it is the part below being so bruised and stretched to admit the penis that probably gives the pain. After all this rubbed myself as usual and incurred a cross. A letter from Mariana had been lying by me some time, unopened - Letter from M- (Lawton) - she was to set off last Wednesday, sleep at Manchester, & take the mail the next day to York - to be about 3 weeks, & spend a few days at Shibden on her return - my letter had given her no leave even to guess the probable time of my return - she could not delay her journey, & must hope to put in practice our old plan of meeting at M[anchester] and coming over for ten days in the summer - She now writes affectionately, seeming more than ever before awakened to a sense of sorrow at my suffering on her account, and to the wish 'it were in my power to make you amends for all you have suffered, and all your goodness to me' --- 'At this moment my love, I feel as if I were more to be pitied than you. I have the pains of absence to combat with and the conviction of knowing that you are ill and I the cause, added to the reflection that a stranger is gaining the opportunities I am losing, of endearing myself to you by numberless, nameless acts of love, gratitude and attention' - read Mrs B this last sentence and the fo[llo]wing one about Mariana's gladness I had found such a friend, her obligation to her and hope to acknowledge it some time, but turning down the top of the second page that she might not see the 'and I the cause.' She did not like my hiding anything from her and had a little jealous fit - as she afterwards called it. I said Mariana's message or rather mention of her was very civil, say something equally so for her in return. She said it would not be true, nor her sending, she could not be half so civil, she 'could throw her into a ditch'. She did not want her kindness however I quizzed her gently and affectionately and she soon came round - Breakfast (in bed) about 1 - very little milk & ¼ of a roll - Mrs B- had thought me asleep, & staid with Jane, & did not come to me till 2 - staid about ½ hour - then backwards & forwards & she & Jane came to sit in my room about 4 ½ - Dinner at 6 - I had mine (a little potage à la Julienne, & a little apple pudding in bed). Tea at 9 - Jane went to bed at 9 ¼ - From dinner to tea Mrs B lay down by me and we both slept, Jane sitting by us cutting open Lord Byron's works which I have given Mrs B - she had her right hand in bed on my queer all the while. Jane went at nine and a quarter and Mrs B staid with me till ten. I sat up in bed and she in my arms. She said Mariana had great influence with me. I had said I had rather live with her en amie than with anyone and what greater compliment could I pay her? I said I should do this from principle, but there was a wide difference between love and friendship. I was now more tied to her (Mrs B) than ever, loved a thousand times more since we came here, if she had never indulged me I should have got over it much better - now it was too late. She seemed to think this might not be the case. Of course, I reassured her now I knew she loved me and this made all the difference in the world. Ah, said I shewed my love more at Place Vendôme than I shew it here - then I fought against [it?]. Now I please myself. I argued it could not be pleasing herself if she did not love me and this was more proof to me than fighting against it. 'Ah,' said she, 'you know what I mean. I gave much greater proof in giving myself up to you, in falling to you than I give now and if you knew me you would know this.' She is quite at ease with me now, jokes me about having done too much and being exhausted and declares she will not let me, saying she is exhausted too. 'No, no,' said I, 'I am not, but certainly you are not - I am the most so of the two.' She smiled. I blame the mercury for weakening me. She can certainly bear all I can do well enough and she shall have it. I see she is fond of me but she would be desperately jealous - worse than Mariana, whom I could more easily cheat. She used to feel excited when she sat near me at Place Vendôme, always when I rubbed, and had often great difficulty in resistings[sic] - she did but now she has fallen - Fine day - wrote the whole of the last page & so far of this in bed, which took me from 10 ¼ to 12 ¼ - then writing out the rough draft of the index of today & yesterday took me 20 minutes till 12:35 - then got up & washed, etc. & made my bed & sat into it again at 2:40 - Three quarters hour rubbing in mercury then ten minutes washing my hands and forty more making my bed and getting in to it - Mrs B- told me last night it was snowing a little, but I had nor seen nor heard anything of it today - wrote (sitting in bed) 3 pages & the ends & under the seal to M[ariana] - nothing particular - This took me from two and three quarters to ten minutes before six - wrote guardedly to be kind enough to Mariana yet fit to shew to Mrs B" (23-Jan-1825).
"Breakfast in bed at 10 ½ - Mrs B came about eleven, got into bed and lay by me about a couple of hours, then got up and sat by me or went backwards and forwards, till I got up when she sat by the fire watching me wash the mercury from my thighs and then wash and dress. She admired my figure, its masculine beauty, saying I was very well made - While lying by me this morning we somehow got upon Mariana's letter. She began crying I as[k]ed why. Said she had no reason, it was Mariana who might cry. 'Ah no,' said she, 'she has great influence over you, you may love her.' I always declared I would rather live with her en amie than with anyone, what greater compliment could I pay? She would willingly exchange places with her. I said there could be no comparisons between. I should choose Mariana as a friend from principle and duty, not inclination. 'Ah, no,' said she, 'there can be no comparison. She is better than I, I am fallen now.' She gently sobbed and the tears flowed fast. 'Oh,' said I, 'judge not so. I do not, cannot agree with you.' Thought I to myself, 'If you knew all how you would change.' I mentioned Mr Hancock, entreating her to marry and to consult her own welfare, hinting as gently as I could the uncertainty of my circumstances and that I would not for worlds be any tie upon her to prevent her marrying. In fact I had been musing over Mariana's letter and had even before thought it would be best to prepare a little hole to creep out at. Perhaps she thought of this but I denied it all. When she asked why I was so suddenly changed as to advise her so much to marry. She seemed per[s]uaded it was on account of Mariana's letter. Poor soul, the tears quietly trickled down her cheeks the whole time. She said she was quite altered now, she could not love two. She felt as if she ought not to marry she could neve[r] think so well of herself again. How she was fallen, how unlike herself, how she used to talk and now what had she to say? She did not blame me, she was old enough to take care of herself. She had never behaved so before she did not now feel herself worthy of Mr H[ancock] - I was very affectionate, threw all the blame on myself, said it made me quite wretched to see her unhappy (and indeed a pang of remorse really did lie heavy at my heart), I would do anything in the world for her, etc. etc. And on this the tears really ran down my face too. 'Ah,' said she, 'perhaps I shall get over it in time, but never can I think so well of myself again' - I had let her lie quiet feeling at first that she had a napkin on of which I I[sic] seemet[sic] to take no notitice[sic] - Got up at 3 - went to take a bath (at the bains Vigier) at 4:10 - in the bath just an hour (29° Reaumur), & got home at 6 - sat down to dinner immediately - tea about 8 - chatted all the evening - Mrs B- read me several of her aunt's letters up to the present time - She is all for her marrying Mr H and seems to know how to calculate the advantage of his having a good income. 'His fortune,' she says, 'is tantalizing', does not mind his being a grocer - then read her the whole of Mariana's letter, making unperceived as I went along such alterations as hid all fault on Mariana's part - this seemed to satisfy her and she became a little more cheerful, having been very low the whole day. I was very kind and expressed much delight to have her back again to sleep with me - Fine day - EO[venereal complaint symbol] - Very little discharge, indeed scarce perceptible - Sent Cordingley to the post office in the Rue Jean-Jacques Rousseau with my letter to Mrs Lawton written last night - read the whole to Mrs B" (24-Jan-1825).
"Breakfast at 12:40 - Finding last night that she had her cousin (which came on Sunday morning - I had almost fancied on Saturday night the end of my finger was a little reddish) lay quiet taking no notice of it till morning when by little and little got to talk of it. Then put my hand there but so as not to dirty it and lay talking of Colonel B, their first night, etc. etc. She said fright could bring a person's cousin - it did a little with her the morning she was married. She would not tell her aunt or anyone but put on cambric muslin close drawers at night. At first he was offended but soon saw she did not mean to annoy him. She took them off, it seems, and he put his hand to her and felt her but let her alone afterwards, seeing how frightened she was. She felt his penis at her back, asked him what it was, saying to me 'I wondered what that great thing was bobbing at my back' - Sat talking the whole morning - Dinner at 6 - tea at 9 - chatting the whole evening - She read me what she had last heard from her aunt which she would not read before in Mrs Maity's letter, the postscript to which I have already referred. Her aunt is all in favour of Mr H and writes as if she had calculated the different pros and cons of Mrs B's taking him or me. Dwell on the good of having the protection of a man and that with his fortune he would settle nearly all she had on Jane. Thought I to myself, the old lady has an eye to business and I wonder whether Mrs B reads all this without making any alteration, for nothing can persuade her to let me read for myself. What can be the meaning of 'to settle nearly all she had,' etc. etc? She receives so much from government (see a former journal) - I do not think she has [at] all rates more than a hundred a year of her own and what is this? Mrs B allowed that her aunt was fond of money and that perhaps she may think if Mrs B takes me it may not be so much a house for her family to come to as Mr H's would be. She takes pains, however, to persuade me her aunt can have little influence with her - Writing the whole of the journal of yesterday made me 20 minutes later - In bed than[sic] Mrs B saying I could not use the pot before her she seemed a little vexed and said 'Well good then, do as you like.' On which I did go out and on coming back told her that was not the best manner for her to shew to me. She argued the point that she was right and I had taken the thing wrong. etc, as if I had been in a wrong temper. Thought to myself I was not tied to her and thus went t[o] sleep - It snowed a little at intervals from about 7 to 1 in the morning - afterwards fine, & no trace left of the snow - EO[venereal complaint symbol]" (25-Jan-1825).
"She was low again this morning, the tears ran silently down her cheeks and she cried a good deal, saying she felt as if she should lose me, could not love Mr H[ancock] now for she loved me too much, etc. etc. I really relented a little from my feelings of last night, said I would do anything for her, loved her with all my heart, she would always have it, etc. etc. She cheered a little and finding her well (her cousin seldom stays more than two days and then she has very little) grubbled her and had two or three excitements. Just before getting up she said she only wished I could be her acknowledged protector. On questioning her I found she would be satisfied if we were what we call 'really going to Italy' - that is if I could acknowledge her as my own and give her my promise for life - Breakfast at 12 ¾ - got ready to go out, but sat talking to Mrs B- She read me Mr H's last letter received just before leaving Place Vendôme: 'tis evident he would have her if she encouraged him. I bade her consider her welfare and Jane's and act accordingly in whatever way that might be, to put me out of the question entirely. She said that could not be, it was too late now. I entreated she would think of me last. 'Perhaps,' said she, 'I shall think of you first.' I said that in my present circumstances I could not say anything with certainty and could not bear to influence her in this matter at all and that my only consolation was that even before her knowing me her aunt had wondered she was so much cooled towards her nameless swain and that even at this time she had almost given him up. However, I begged her to write to him so as at least to keep the matter in abeyance till her aunt came - About 3 Mr Cunliffe & his wife's cousin Mr Kingston called, & sat with us about 1 ½ hour - Mr C- thought Mrs B- had paid enormously for her bedding - she would have got it much cheaper had she bought all the materials separately, & had the beds made at home - Dinner at 6 - tea between 8 & 9 - sat chatting over the fire till near 11 - Asked if she would at all rates give me her friendship. She did not know that she could: she had rather not see me at all, would wish me all happiness with Mariana, had rather I did not come here at all. She should have one parting and did not wish for a second. I might not like her a few years hence. She knew I should take Mariana. What would friendship be after love? I had recommended York as a good place to settle in - she had fortune enough for that, she would be near me and could soon get into good society there. Oh, no! she would never go there, why should she be near me? She cried a good deal and seemed very low - Fine day - Hard frost in the morning - the fountain in the Tuileries Gardens frozen over but the sun had made the streets dirty when Messrs C- & K- called - Forty minutes rubbing in mercury - EO[venereal complaint symbol]" (26-Jan-1825).
"The tears trickling silently down my face half the night, yet my distress was not very deep. I do not think my being so melted was any sorrow to her, she might feel it augured well to her cause. She did not seem to be crying tho' very low. As far as this depended on her quietness and saying little or nothing, it was all about Mr H, etc. Awoke early more composed, grubbled well, had five or six excitements. 'To have my friendship now instead of love would be like drinking water after generous wine' - Breakfast at 1 ½ - Mr de Lancey called before we had finished it, & staid about 1 ½ hour - Madame Galvani, too, called, & staid till after 3 - sat talking to Mrs B- 'Why make ourselves unhappy by anticipation?' I said, 'How foolish we were and how much the chances were in our favour' - Sat into my bath (Bains Vigier) at 4:40 - in it 1 ¼ hour - just at the last and not very easily incurred a cross - Dinner at 6 ½ - In the evening till 11:50 read aloud my journal from 1 September to 19 October last - Disguised a little now and then but not much, barely enough to make it go down with her at all. She wishes to have all the rest up to the present - I must indeed begin to alter more by and by. She certainly would not like all my reflections. Poor soul! She does not know me quite. She has so often told me any woman might take me in, that I am not the less wary for it - Mild day - a little small rain as I went to & returned from the bath - F.56° at 12:10 - EO[venereal complaint symbol] - Wrote the memoranda of today & yesterday" (27-Jan-1825).
"Awoke and had two or three excitements in the night, and then five or six this morning after we had each of us taken a Seidlitz powder. She had been talking of Colonel B's prowess which made me feel desire towards her and this she knew, saying she thought our conversation had done me no good. On an average he had three kisses a night, often had her in a morning, their lying in bed talking - Breakfast at 12 ¾ - Letter from my aunt at Shibden, all well, but the cook not being well enough to stay in her place they had got another (from Mirfield) for her to teach - I see my aunt is teared[?] - in doubt whether to send back Cordingley - The salts operated once soon after breakfast - Meant to have gone out but sat talking and lovemaking to Mrs B and doing nothing all the morning. The least thing makes her low and she cries or has the tears starting in her eyes perpetually when anything reminds her of losing me. She fears Mariana and that I shall never be hers. Said she could now hardly bear to hear Mr H's name. She should mind little what her aunt said; could not love one and marry another. I bade her act as might be best for her welfare and as if she had not known me and as if I should never be hers. She said it was too late, she could not. If she did marry would never tell of me, for then she could never see me. I said if it would be any consolation to her to tell she might - Told her nearly the real story of my quarrel with Charles, his intriguing and manner of getting one of my letters to Mariana, his ungentlemanly letter to me on the su[b]ject and my answer - Got talking about my early life, told her how I went out every night at Ma[r]ket Weighton, drank spirits at Mr Garrards and knew Jenny Binning and Mrs Cass. Told her the latter's story of Bill Smith's putting his penis on her tea table and her declaring she would cut it off - Dinner at 6 - Sat talking and doing nothing all the evening. Grubbled her very well and had two very good excitements. Then she lay down, being a little tired and having pain in her back, and I sat by her. French servants used their master's women after they had done with them - she had learnt this from [Mrs] Page's meaning to praise her friend John, Mr Robinson's servant, who she told Mrs B never behaved to his master like the other French servants in doing this kind of thing - Tea between 9 & 10 - Very fine day - fine moonlight[sic] night - F.56° at 11:50 at which hour had just done the memoranda of today - Before getting up this morning we had talked of her being unwell, its never being any inconvenience to her, etc. She if and when. 'I was,' said I, 'at twelve a little stream of blood in the necessarylavatory and no more of it then again the same but more of it.'[sic] At school at fourteen after hard work with Eliza and being weakened by loss of blood lay in bed a week. Then insinuated that it came on again in streams at times after great exertion, till this venereal complaint and mercury had made it more frequent: twice at Place Vendôme, once just before our coming here. She had seen Cordingley with a napkin in her hand which Cordingley had said was mine. Mrs B had had great curiosity to feel me and was glad to find I was externally like herself and had not 'a little one' - that is, penis. She did not wish Colonel B to leave her in a family way - she sometimes jumped off and left him before the seed had flowed. He told her it was not right, it was mentioned in scr[ip]ture as a crime and called onanism. 'Much pleasure,' said she, 'may be given before that nasty stuff - as I used to call it - comes.' This explained to me the French custom: the men leave the women too soon - EO[venereal complaint symbol]" (28-Jan-1825).
"She telling me last night she was not in a humour for a kiss and saying we ought to have rest I took her at her word and fell asleep. In the morning, however, we began talking of one thing or other that excited us - I grubbled her well and we had four or five very good excitements. I saw I gave her more pleasure than usual. She owned I always praise her for being wet and comfortable, particularly on seeing when she got up to leave me that she had wet the bed a little. I said she had behaved most handsomely and if she could always do so I should be delighted. She laughed and said I seemed quite proud of my doings: that is of what I had made her feel and do - She had told me Jane's cousin John Barlow, when a boy of fourteen from school used to be very fond of her (Mrs B) and tell her all sorts of things. He had told her a story off[sic] a farmer whose wife had a lover and the husband coming home one day and finding his dinner not ready but the table ready said 'Oh, I see you have dined, for their[sic] is white of egg on the table on which he licked it up. Mrs B asked me what this meant, I said the man's seed I supposed that she had parted with. We had before been talking of men's seed. I said it was like a crystal jelly; she agreed and on my saying it did not stain sheets much she said she could distinguish it by the blueish-white, starchy appearance it left. She had never liked servants to know her amours and when Colonel B was not too impatient she had a safeguard, a cloth under her. I suppose she seems delighted to praise his manliness and we agreed his seed must have been of the best kind. When she was married she washed the sheet after copulation which she had been told of some years afterwards - had she known she would have had a double undersheet. Colonel B used to ask what she would have done with a younger man, he had required it oftener when younger but said he never did it better than he did to her. She thought it less exertion to him than to me, for he did not breathe so loud and seemed more composed, could speak while he was in the act, yet he used to own, like me, that it was ecstasy. He never lay upon her for fear of being too heavy and hurting. Some other time, perhaps, she will tell me the position he preferred - Breakfast at 12 ½ - sat talking till after 3 when Mrs B- & I went out - she called on Madame de Boyve, Mademoiselle de Sans, Miss Harvey & Mr & Mrs Middleton. So did I on all of them but Madame de B[oyve] - none of them at home - From Place Vendôme to the Rue Saint-Honoré (the first porte-cocher[sic]porte-cochère: courtyard entrance of the lower side of the street on our right) called on Madame la Comtesse de Fumel & sat about ½ hour with her - another lady there - Found the countess very civil & agreeable - of one of the best old families in the neighbourhood of Bordeaux - at present a little reduced in circumstances, & living au quatrième, but much respected & visited - in returning sauntered round the Tuileries Gardens - On the terrace d'eau asked what she used to think of me when we at first walked there. 'I did not think so ill of you as to believe you capable of what we do now.' Yet she always excused me. 'The same excuse,' said I, 'there is for me is equally an excuse for you.' 'No,' she answered, 'the almighty does not think so.' I looked grave, said she was very severe, she did not spare me, she saw I was serious and thoughtful. She explained when we got home she did not mean to say it would be wicke[d] if we we[re] really belonging to each other, but only that she had loved me too soon. In plain English she was too much like a mistress, she was not my wife - Got home at 5 - Dinner at 6 ¼ - Madame Galvani came at 6 ¾ & staid till 9:20 - we read aloud together the two first acts of Molière's Femmes Savantes - Madame G- is to come Tuesday & Saturday to give me a few more lessons in reading - Very fine day - F.57° at 12 tonight - EO[venereal complaint symbol] - sat up talking to Mrs B- lovemaking as usual" (29-Jan-1825).
Quiet last night - indeed she is always so cold on first getting [in?] I have no chance till she get[s] warm, by which time I am asleep. She was ready for me this morning and I grubbled and should have a very good excitement or two, but Cordingley's coming in spoilt my chance, and we were neither of us so happy as yesterday morning. I said I could not quite reach her, the pleasure was when she came down to me so that I reached the orifice of the womb. I had not done or been able to do this quite at first but I durst not tell her so then and knew she would be right when more accustomed to me. Asked how she had felt: she said as if I did not quite meet her but there was some part I might touch that would give her greater pleasure. Said I did not like girls for I would not break the membrane for fear of nonsense when they married and therefore the pleasure with them was not so great. Said that in copulation I always used my finger to keeps[sic] the parts open so that I could give them what came from me - She got up on account of Jane's coming - Jane arrived from school a little after 11 - Breakfast at 12 ¼ - we all came & sat in my room - In the course of the day, before & after dinner (dinner at 5 ½) wrote out (from memoranda) the journals of Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday & Friday last - tea at 8 - Jane went to bed about 8 ¼ - Mrs B- sat with me till 10:25 - I had said to Jane I should never give the key of this crypt to any human being. Knowing Mrs B so well I said it wondering if she would notice it and then forgot it till seeing her unusually grave, I found on inquiry that if she was my own she could not bear me not to tell her absolutely everything. We talked a little of Mariana I regretted having mentioned her name for Mrs B's mind was now prejudiced. If I had not done this she said she would not have had any thing to say to me, but that it was not prejudice, rather jealousy .I wondered she could be jealous of my friendship while she knew she herself had my heart. 'Ah,' she said, 'you esteem Mariana very much and are attached to her,' 'But,' said [I], 'it is friendship yet if I brought her here you would not like to see her?' 'No,' said she, 'I should feel very small, I would gladly change places with her, she knows you so well, she would know all about us and if she did I think it would kill me.' I gave her my honour Mariana never should know directly or otherwise from me. I saw she was low, a few tears trickled down her cheeks. I told her I was more and more sensible of all she had done for me and hoped she felt assured I should not make a bad return, but that perhaps neither of us could be happy till we went to Italy. I should feel far too deeply the misery of having left cause of unhappiness to her. I longed most to make [her] happy. She bade me not think in this way for I had from the first told her my circumstances and had nothing to blame myself for. I said this was great consolation but I could never bear the thought of having left her unhappy. However I gradually turned the subject and became quietly affectionate, said I could do anything for her. Love made fools of us all. I liked to feel her, look at, smell and even taste her, that is kissed my finger on withdrawing. She laughed and called me pig. I said I could even take the medicine given to lying-in peasants (the wringings of their menstruous cloths) if it was of her making. She always says, 'Well, I believe you love me a little.' I rallied her on her gravity. Said she, 'This has been a very different day to me, you have been writing all the day and I am accustomed to have you and Jane's being here interrupted me that I could not employ myself.' I asked if she was not sorry to leave me tonight - she said she had not thought of it. On my expressing regret she said I do it as a duty and have one to do. I think it right to do it as well as I can. Poor soul! I begin to believe she really is fond of me. How she will miss me at first. Telling her this morning that her letters to me would be cool she said hers would depend on mine - Mademoiselle de Sans sent this morning to ask us to call for her at 7 tomorrow evening to go to a concert to hear a famed piano-player, whether he will be a good master for Jane - we are to go -read to myself the last act of Molière's L'Étourdi [ou les Contretemps], and then from about 11 ¼ to 1 ½ wrote out (from memoranda) the journal of yesterday and the whole of today - Fine day tho' rather thick & hazy - F.54° at 1 ½ tonight - EO[venereal complaint symbol] - Airing thing[s] to be ready should I want them a week hence, for when Mrs B is here I have no opportunity - from three and a quarter to five and the same - wrote 3 pages & the ends to my aunt, to go tomorrow, in answer to her last letter - nothing particular" (30-Jan-1825).
"Breakfast in bed at 10 - sent off at 1 my letter to my aunt (Shibden) written last night - Went into Mrs B's room and gave it her to read but she not seeming to care about it. I said we had better spend the few minutes in conversation and I sealed the letter immediately not the least in a huff for it really was a stupid concern - Had got ready to go out, but the morning was so drizzly (small rain & damp) I sat down to my writing desk about 1 ½ - Began my accounts when Mrs B came and we sat chatting till near five when I began feeling her - grubbled well and had two good excitements just before dinner - Dinner at 5:35 - directly afterwards came into my room. We both regretted our having to go [to the] concert, but to make the best of our short evening at home. Began grubbling again - she very ready. I asked her to lie down, 'No! it would tumble the bed.' She soon sank from her chair to the ground. I gave her her writing box for a pillow, lay down on the floor by her and grubbled well and had two good excitements; she very wet and evidently well enough pleased - At 7 ¾ we both dressed for the concert - got to Place Vendôme 24 at 8:10 - just saw & spoke to Madame de Boyve in passing to Mademoiselle de Sans's room - sat with her some time waiting for her friend Monsieur Lambert - got to the concert room (in the house of Monsieur Pfeiffer, no. 18, Rue Montmartre) just before the concert began at 9 - the room full - a stupid concert to us - tho' good piano-playing by Monsieur Mansui[?] whom Mademoiselle de S- thinks the best in Paris, there being, however, a young man in rather higher vogue; an excellent concerto on the bassoon by young Monsieur Sagrini - Madame Casimie-Ney[?] sang wretchedly; Monsieur Brugière very fairly - no orchestra - only the piano & 1 other instrument at a time - violin, bassoon or guitar - Had to wait a long time in the porte-cochère for a fiacre - set [down?] Mademoiselle de S- & Monsieur Lambert (Place Vendôme) & got home at 11 ½ - thick, foggy day - small rain - very disagreeable - EO[venereal complaint symbol]" (31-Jan-1825).
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